How To Make Your Ass As Smooth As Glass

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My mum is an incredible paradox of old fashioned Russian morals where by you bring your husband/boyfriend/man in question a glass of water as he enters the home lest he be thirsty from his day of work with a splash of uber modern British behaviour meaning she is a completely independent business woman and doesn't need help from anyone or anyones permission to buy her designer hand bags. 
She has also been the person to teach me all I know about being the woman I am today. Seeing as she is in fashion I frequently feel panicked when meeting her for a lunch or coffee, since a judgement of my outfit is almost always inevitable. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes the judgement is a positive one but most of the time it can be defined by what she is well known for and that is 'the critical look'. 
Most of her pieces of wisdom are archaically true, as much as I don't like to admit it, bringing a glass of water for your loved one makes them feel loved, be they male or female. Not doing laundry and hanging out your underwear in front of your partner is a strange rule but funnily enough it works by creating an air of mystery in your relationship like when you first met by avoiding the mundain and unnecessarily unpleasant.
One of her biggest gems which I will now share with you ladies came to me as I lounged on the bed of my mother's master bedroom in London a few years ago. She was going through her closet as she often does deciding which items she was bored of and therefore would bestow on me as I rubbed my metaphoric greedy paws together. 
I dont remember the exact moment this happened, if she was helping me pull a dress on or off but she happened to brush past my butt. She looked at me with curious intensity 'What do you use to exfoliate your skin?' I naturally reeled off a list of exfoliaters some I had tried some I hadn't but the question caught me off track I had to defend myself! 
She shook her head. 'No no no, this is what you need to do'.

Mix a tablespoon of bi-carb soda and one table spoon of super corse sea salt, stir it until it becomes a  fluffy cloud then add it to some water or your usual body wash. Take the mixture and rub it with vigour into your booty while in the shower, don't forget to add some elbow grease and unlike the picture suggests there is no need for a loofa then rinse off.

In the words of my mum -
Thank me later when your butt is as smooth as glass.